Sigh. Another day, another long battle.
Motherhood is great. I love the snuggles. The unsolicited "I love you momma". The "chase me, chase me!!". The mud soup and wildflower gifts.
But then there is the other stuff...
There is throw up.
Poop. Tons of it.
There is no sleep. Seriously. It has been YEARS since I have slept for 8 hours.
Tantrums, fighting, lying, SIN.
Fighting the same battles day in and day out.
And there is all of my sin, too.
I had no idea what was coming when the test turned positive. I thought I would have it all under control. I was a new Jesus follower. In my arrogance I thought I had that sin thing over come. Hey, I stopped cussing, stopped drinking, went to church and said a little prayer.* I have it all covered right?
But oh the depth of my sinful nature, the ever changing definition and conviction.
Right now, its that lack of humility, to bow down and serve each child joyfully as if I were serving Jesus Himself. To the least of these....
Oh how selfish I was. Am. Everyday a battle against flesh that screams let me stay in bed.
That doesn't want to change another diaper. That doesn't want to serve. Its that flesh.
And tonight? It wanted me time. It was putting those kids to bed and snuggling on the couch with a piece of coconut cream pie and the internet all to myself.
But God had other plans. I went up and down those stairs at least 11 times. No one stayed in bed. As I am writing this I have one snoring on the couch beside me. One that I wronged earlier with my vipers tongue bowing to the flesh.
What better way to change all that selfish, haughty pride, to refine me into what He wants me to be, than through a handful of need driven babes pulling me in every different direction? Bringing out my worst so He can bring my sinfulness to light?
What then could He use me for?
I wish I could say I have it all figured out. Most days it is just a mess. But aren't a lot of beautiful things messy and painful? Childbirth, love, growing up and old, living and breathing... death on a cross?
I wouldn't change it. Not at all. I want the fire, to refine. It is a gift. From a God who can only give me good gifts. Know I need a dose of humility to burn up those extra pounds of selfishness I have been carrying around. A Flesh Die-et, as it were.
But my flesh certainly doesn't want it (why would it want to die??). Doesn't like it. Hates.
My flesh screams, wants for me me me.
Sometimes I feel on the inside like my 2 year old looks on the outside, I just know how to hide it. But I can't hide it from Him, and He uses them to show it to me.
That is just the reality. My heart and flesh WILL fail.
Aren't you thankful for GRACE? I know am. Need it. Always.
But He has given this to me. And I will take it, for what it is. Good and bad. Sweet and painful. Fast and slow. Knowing that this is what He has in mind for me,and in spite of me, I will try to learn to enjoy it.
Love to ya momma's. He's got our back. Look for Jesus in those little faces and keep changing those diapers. We can do this, through Christ who strengthens us. Here is to shedding a few 'pounds'.
God Bless You,
*I am not making digs or judgement at anyone here...to each his own convictions...this is just what I thought at the time.