Join me in my journey as a momma, learning as I stumble along the way, pouring out my heart and being covered by amazing Grace.
I am so glad you stopped by.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Hi Put Together Mom. Meet Artsy Mom.

We have never talked you and I. We are vastly different. Our worlds are almost opposite.

You might feel loving God is order and discipline, I feel loving God is creativity and wild freedom.

If we were friends you may think I need to get it together, and I may think you need to lighten up.

I bet your house is neat. You probably fold your kids clothes and put them in drawers. I have adopted a system of unfolded laundry baskets for each child. 

We drop everything to run away for a day of hiking. With three kids under 7. In the rain. 
You probably plan vacations.

As I am writing this my kids are drawing their veins and bones on their skin with marker...I wonder if that would freak you out. But don't worry, I am sure that there are things about your world that would freak me out too.

My kids are always a little disheveled looking. Yours always look neat.
But I bet we have some things in common.

I bet you want what is best for your kids. I do too. 
I bet you are tired. Yeah. Me too.
Maybe a little lonely? Yup.
My point in all of this is you aren't right. 
I am not either. 
There is no one right way to 'be'. God made us different. He knew you would be neat and orderly. He knew I would be wild and crazy. 

We both have built in strong points, and built in weaknesses too.

But we could be friends.
Maybe you could help me organize my closet. Maybe I could teach you how to paint. I don't want to judge you, and I really hope you won't judge me.

Maybe we can let each other just be who we authentically are.

Our worlds are completely different.
But you know what? That is totally ok.
The world needs put together people. Yup. 
The world needs artsy people too.
I am sure the God that created us both is well aware of that. And hallelujah for it.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Normal, Right?

I squirm in my seat writing this. This, this is truth. This is uncomfortable.
I see an epidemic in the making. I see people being treated as disposable, usable.  I see semi pornographic images on magazines. Everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I see sex on TV more casual than coffee.* I see boys treating girls like toys, hurting them and thinking it is funny.
I see girls believing that this is just normal.

I did.

Permissive parents. Persistent boys. Alcohol. Lack of supervision. Sounds all too familiar. Way too close for comfort.

This is normal right?

I remember a boy slamming me into a locker. In middle school. Trying to get my compliance.  He wasn't the last. That was over 20 years ago. Think it has gotten better out there?

I couldn't wait to get out of school. Get away. But then I started to think it was just normal. And something must be wrong with ME. And it continued long after highschool.  Until I met the Best Man. The One. My Jesus. And then I learned to love me, because He loves me. It took me 30 years. We have to do better for our kids.

We have to save these girls. We have to save these boys. We have to save them from themselves. From the sickness invading our culture from every angle. 

If you tolerate something, you may as well condone it. Turning a blind eye only brings the dark. 

We are blasted with images. With women as objects. Where on earth are these boys getting the idea that women are objects?

Hmm. I wonder.

If you show someone something everyday, all day long, how long until they are no longer sensitive to it?

If they tell us by their images that women are an object, something to leer at, over and over and over will it not be burned in our brains?

Be careful little eyes what you see...

We have invited this into our homes, our lives, our minds.

The question is, what are we going to do about it? Are we going to just sit back and let this be/become normal?

People angry at the victims for ruining the lives of the perpetrators? What is wrong with this picture?

These girls need to be taught self worth. These boys need to be taught human worth. Both need to be taught real love.

Fellow mommas, it is not to late. I have a boy. My sweet baby son. We HAVE to teach them right. We have to show them the value of women.  

We have to change the culture. 

Please. For my two little girl's sake. For my boy's sake. For your children's sake. We have to do something.

We can stop tolerating it. 

*To be totally truthful I do not have Cable or anything like that, so I don't watch "TV"
Interestingly enough when I do see catch a glimpse of it at someones house I get nauseated by how much worse it has gotten since I killed my television. Do a little experiment. Turn off the TV and watch no rated R movies for a week or two, then turn it back may just find it repulsive and kill your TV too. We threw out the junk that was clogging up our minds and haven't looked back. We love football, but we found you can stream games online. We can still watch movies, but we get to choose what we allow into our homes. Just a thought.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Flesh Die-et.

Sigh. Another day, another long battle.

Motherhood is great. I love the snuggles. The unsolicited "I love you momma". The "chase me, chase me!!".  The mud soup and wildflower gifts.

But then there is the other stuff...

There is throw up.
Poop. Tons of it.
There is no sleep. Seriously. It has been YEARS since I have slept for 8 hours.
Tantrums, fighting, lying, SIN.
Fighting the same battles day in and day out.

And there is all of my sin, too.

I had no idea what was coming when the test turned positive. I thought I would have it all under control. I was a new Jesus follower. In my arrogance I thought I had that sin thing over come. Hey, I stopped cussing, stopped drinking, went to church and said a little prayer.* I have it all covered right?

But oh the depth of my sinful nature, the ever changing definition and conviction.
Right now, its that lack of humility, to bow down and serve each child joyfully as if I were serving Jesus Himself. To the least of these....

Oh how selfish I was. Am. Everyday a battle against flesh that screams let me stay in bed.
That doesn't want to change another diaper. That doesn't want to serve. Its that flesh.

And tonight? It wanted me time. It was putting those kids to bed and snuggling on the couch with a piece of coconut cream pie and the internet all to myself.
But God had other plans. I went up and down those stairs at least 11 times. No one stayed in bed. As I am writing this I have one snoring on the couch beside me. One that I wronged earlier with my vipers tongue bowing to the flesh.
What better way to change all that selfish, haughty pride, to refine me into what He wants me to be, than through a handful of need driven babes pulling me in every different direction? Bringing out my worst so He can bring my sinfulness to light?

What then could He use me for?

 I wish I could say I have it all figured out. Most days it is just a mess. But aren't a lot of beautiful things messy and painful? Childbirth, love, growing up and old, living and breathing... death on a cross?

I wouldn't change it. Not at all. I want the fire, to refine. It is a gift. From a God who can only give me good gifts. Know I need a dose of humility to burn up those extra pounds of selfishness I have been carrying around. A Flesh Die-et, as it were.

But my flesh certainly doesn't want it (why would it want to die??). Doesn't like it. Hates.
My flesh screams, wants for me me me.
Sometimes I feel on the inside like my 2 year old looks on the outside, I just know how to hide it. But I can't hide it from Him, and He uses them to show it to me.

That is just the reality. My heart and flesh WILL fail.

Aren't you thankful for GRACE? I know am. Need it. Always.

But He has given this to me. And I will take it, for what it is. Good and bad. Sweet and painful. Fast and slow. Knowing that this is what He has in mind for me,and in spite of me, I will try to learn to enjoy it.

Love to ya momma's. He's got our back. Look for Jesus in those little faces and keep changing those diapers. We can do this, through Christ who strengthens us. Here is to shedding a few 'pounds'.

God Bless You,

*I am not making digs or judgement at anyone each his own convictions...this is just what I thought at the time.

Monday, February 11, 2013

A Choice

Though I really enjoy singing every Sunday for the worship team, I think that the best times I sing are in broken moments with heavy heart. 
Strained notes to an all powerful God that has choirs at His beck and call, but tunes ear to my pitiful, weary ballad "Be Thou my Vision, o Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me, save that Thou art...heart of my own heart what ever befall, still be my Vision, o Ruler of all"

So here I find myself often this week. The strain of life pulling me in all different directions. Bad news and tough decisions. Relief and anxiety all rolled into one.  

But this is it. This storm. This mountain top. This valley.
This is the life I have. 

I have really only one choice to make: how do I live it? 

Do I choose to let the cares of this world, everything that will soon (and very soon!) pass away, burden me? Or do I choose to trust that God loves me, wants to give me good things, and always has my best interests in mind? 

Well, it seems so obvious right?

But the real point is I have a choice.

So why do I forget? Why do I let this world sweep me off down torrents of fear and anxiety and trying to figure it all out, when I could just let God do His work in me?
Everyday, the struggle to remember to lay it at the foot of the cross goes on, over and over and over. 

Remembering that all is grace.
Remembering to stay in the Word. 
Remembering to call out to Him. 

It is such a challenge, one that may never end on this earth, but so important to continue. 
To just remember that God is on my side, and He has equipped me for this moment, put me in it for my own good.

El Roi, the God who sees. A God who knows. Who understands. At the end of the day He is not weary. 
He does not tire of my inadequacy, but stands ready for me to come to Him. All you weary and heavy laden. Sweet peace of a Benevolent God. 

I sang at Sunday service Francesca Battistelli's "Beautiful Beautiful":
"Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful. Mercy, reaching to save me, all that I need You are so beautiful, beautiful. I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by Your Grace."

He isn't finished with me yet. 

So as I continue to struggle to accept some of the aspects of my life, He continues His work on me. He isn't worried about my progress. He isn't criticizing my one step forward, two steps back. 
You cannot judge a painter's finished product by the rough sketch. 

So our household is going through a little rough patch right now. It is what God is allowing in my life. 

Do what you can do, and let God do what you cannot?

Oh yes.

I will be clinging hard to the One who made me, put me right here, right now in this moment. 
Equipped me to handle it. Gave me Grace to cover it. Breathing in and out His praise. 
Trying. Forgetting. Remembering. Trying again.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
All. Is. Grace.

Friday, January 11, 2013

We can do something, today.

I am writing this little somber post with a heart heavy for the innocents today.

It is something we don't talk about, not even in hushed whispers behind curtains.

Human trafficking. Sex tourism. Pornography. Its all related, like it or not. It always starts small.

We want to label them monsters. We can't call them human. That would mean they were somehow linked to us. But they are human. They are neighbors. Friends. Maybe even someone you love.

The worst kind of secrets are hidden in the shadows where light can't find them.

But Jesus tells us to be the light. To expose the shadows. Be the light of the world. To the dark and dying world.

Today is Human Trafficking Awareness day. There are a lot of groups out there trying to fight this sickness, this death to freedom and respect of life.

A few noteables:

Compassion International

Samaritans Purse

Hand of Hope

We can do something.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

One Hand Up, One Hand Out

"Do you love me? Feed my sheep."
How many times has my rooster crowed?
How many times have I denied Jesus?
Sometimes He is right there staring me in the face, and I have turned the other way.
Once I was in Target getting a prescription, and an old woman in front of me was trying to get her medicine and couldn't afford it. She sat there picking and choosing which medicines she thought she could do with out. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to help her. The total was $400. I could have paid it, but it would have left us short. I told myself there was nothing I could do. But there was. I could have paid for part of it. I could have tried.
I left the store knowing I had denied God. I had ignored Him, and it hurt.
Today I went to Target to get some homeschool supplies. Nothing I HAD to have, but stuff that I wanted. I took Big C and K with me. There was a couple wandering around the store that I kept crossing paths with. They weren't the typical looking Target shoppers. They were covered in dirt, their clothes worn and their faces dirty. They crossed my paths several times and I smiled at them. Then on my way out I saw them again. At the pharmacy counter. I stopped. In the middle of the aisle I stood with my eyes closed and said to Him, "what would you have me do?". I waited. Nothing. I heard nothing. Just a pulling. A tugging feeling that I should do something.
I got home, started doing some chores, telling my husband I was going on a spending freeze, just was sick over the spending we have been doing and can't take it anymore lalalalala...
He went to change a diaper (GOD BLESS HIM) and I slumped down on the floor. Even my Little C's contagious smile couldn't hold back my tears. 
I said "Do you love me?"
Hubby: "What?"
"Do you love me Peter?" I said. I told him story about the couple. I asked him, "How can I help without offending, what can I do, we have got to do something!"
He had a genius idea.
"Keep a $20 in an envelope in your bag. If you see a need, give them the envelope, tell them you think they dropped it and run"
And so I have decided to start a campaign.
One hand up, praising God. One hand out, loving His sheep.
Join me?
If you do, share in the comments or find me on Facebook at

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

This Merry Christmas

Just under a week until Christmas. 

Sitting here with some beautiful music, my tree all aglow with ornaments made by little hands.

5 years ago I would have had no little-made beauties on my tree. 

5 years ago all that mattered to me, to be really honest, was me. 

My tree would have looked 'perfect', but been perfectly meaningless. 
Now I wouldn't trade all those little beauties for all the designer ornaments in the world. I wouldn't trade the drawings held by magnets, or the smudge marks or the piles of laundry for anything. No one could have told me that I would stop caring about things being 'just so' and how it all looked from the outside. I just had to find out, over time, what really matters.  

In another 5 years I am hopeful I will have died to self a little more, to be able to look back and see more selfishness dissolved with time. Some days it seems like there is still so very far to go. I am so thankful for His grace.

The little ones are all tucked in sound asleep. And when they are asleep and I am waiting for the one with whom I share a name to come home I am so tempted to sneak in their rooms and steal a kiss, steal a moment of prayer over them and their little hearts, still so new to the world. There is so much hurry and busy to get through the day and get everyone to bed that when all the rush is done and all that is left is quiet I wish I had taken just a little longer to get them tucked in to sleep. Just one more story. Just one more hug. When the days seem long and hard may I always remember that the time is so fleeting, already passing so fast and breathless. 

When they are all grown and gone off will they come back to their Momma for Christmas? 

Will I be the place their hearts long for as the Christmas Season approaches? 

I hope so. I pray so. I pray that we so impress on them the meaning of this season, the reason for the celebration that they always treasure it as I am learning to treasure it now. Not as the world may see it but as it is. As the gift. Just as they are a gift to me. 
Every year I get Christmas a little more. It moves me a little more. The reality of this Jesus, this Emmanuel. The gift of God with us. It blows my mind. Such a crazy, precious, loving, miraculous gift. May you see it friend. May you feel it and know it down in your very bones this year. The gift. This Merry Christmas ♥